So I didn’t have any sketch for last week because I was super busy. But you know what? I have something even better instead: A review of the Guardians of Ga’Hoole movie. Don’t complain, I know you all really wanted this.

So full disclosure– I have not read the Ga’Hoole books the movie is based on. I just watched the movie, so I’m just gonna review it as a film and nothing more. For any Ga’Hooligans reading this, please forgive me for being a fake geek.

Okay here’s my review: Guardians of Ga’Hoole was bad. The owl film was boring and strange. Okay, you can stop reading this since you now have my opinion. There’s really no reason to go on but I’m gonna go more in-depth and then talk about why I reviewed this old-ass owl movie so if that interests you then keep reading.

So the Owl movie (The title takes too long to type so I’m gonna call it that) starts off with an owl family whose two kids get kidnapped by bigger evil owls to serve an evil owl empire run by Owl Sauron… I mean Metalbeak. Owl Sauron is a real nazi asshole who talks about being the pure race and his wife trains owl soldiers. The two kidnapped owls are of the pure race apparently but the good one doesn’t wanna be a nazi (what a cuck am I right fellas?) so he gets sent to be an owl slave. His brother, who has a face full of scars, turns evil and sides with Owl Sauron because his wife flattered him. Hey… Ya get more flies with honey I guess, but then again the scars were a dead giveaway that he was secretly pure evil.

So the cuck owl manages to escape slavery with the help of some forgettable birds and then goes to an owl village which is very high-end (think an elf village in LOTR) to train because I guess he has to. It was foretold or something. Someone foretold that the Cuck Owl would slay Sauron Owl? I forget. This section of the film is very forgettable so forgive me for skimming. The whole movie is forgettable actually. It’s a generic mashup of fantasy tropes with no clear tone or target audience. In other words, it’s a classic Zack Snyder film. But I’ll talk about him later… I have… words to say on that matter…

So Cuck Owl begins his training. He has 5 or 6 partners to go with him but they’re not important at all. He has to learn to use the force. I’m not joking! This Obi-Wan Owl is like “close your eyes… trust your gizzard and fly.” Yeah instead of the force they call it the gizzard. Just trust your gizzard kids and everything will be fine. What’s a gizzard? I heard it was the thing owls use to make pellets. I dunno if this is true but by thinking about the film I’m already working harder than Zack Snyder so cut me some slack bro.

Okay so at the end the Cuck Owl kills his evil bro by dropping him in an inferno straight to hell and then impales Owl Sauron with a flaming stick but no one bleeds sweet owl blood which is a bit of a let-down. Since this is a Snyder film there is a ton of slo-mo owl fighting when they sword fight. Yeah you read that right. Sword fighting owls. These terrible birds are realistically rendered so they can’t hold swords in their wings or anything, they gotta hold them in their talons. You’d think the fact that flying birds fly head-first with talons behind them would deter Snyder from this idea, but he’s not one to let bird anatomy get in the way of his visual direction. So these sword fights look pretty dumb. Everything looks dumb. You’ll see these tall torches in the background and wonder how owls put them there… it has to be impossible, right? I mean they can’t fly sideways in place to firmly plant a staff in the ground. Sorry for going off-topic, but if the owls aren’t going to be even slightly anthropomorphic then it makes me wonder how these owl societies even happened. I demand solid worldbuilding in my owl film, Zack!

Okay but the very end is the best part, after Sauron dies. Then shit gets good. So Cuck Owl’s parents find him and reunite with him at last after being separated the whole movie and then THEY DON’T EVEN ASK WHAT HAPPENED TO HIS BROTHER LMAO. They had no clue he turned full nazi since he had been kidnapped as well, so it looks like they just straight-up don’t give a shit about their other kid. Amazing. And then Zack Snyder, in his completely unshakeable overconfidence, puts a sequel hook in, implying that the nazi brother is still alive along with Sauron’s wife. Are you kidding me? ZACK?! I long for this man’s ability to believe in himself. That is some truly astounding optimism about your owl film’s future franchise potential. Maybe I’m being too hard on Zack here though, I’m kind of surprised he didn’t do a sequel since he just seems to keep making money on his films so why the hell not?

Now some people will say that the animation was good. I mean the feather effects were nice sure but they made the owls so realistic is is pretty hard to tell some of them apart. There’s no cartooning here, no exaggeration or unique silhouettes. They’re owls that talk. That’s it folks. If you’re a hardcore Ga’Hooligan, maybe you’d like this film but I can’t guarantee that at all.

Something that confused me… In the credits they play an Owl City song for some reason. I’m not sure what the connection is, seems like a weird choice. Oh wait, the movie’s about owls! And the band is Owl City! Clever, Zack. Clever.